I have not been the most well person of late, and by this I do not mean my Ankylosing Spondylitis, by this I mean my mental health.
The medications have been keeping me talking with my mental health people, but I have also been very low, to the point of not wanting to continue this painful existence.
I feel these cartoons show a little of what I have been dealing with of recent.
I watched this trailer and thought,
this is a movie that may help people struggling with gender identity.
I shall be back on here writing soon,
I have just spent several weeks with my doctors,
whom have been keeping depression from killing me.
Once again I sit here with only myself looking at the retarded world we live in and sigh………..
I have seen many things in my life, from the gorgeous view I witnessed at the top of tallest mountain in Tasmania, too the lowest emotions I suffered while saying goodbye to another friend when they passed on from this world.
Many people will look upon this and never understand, never see how hard it is to live knowing that a lot of your friends have died from disabilities that our current pharmaceutical companies still don’t care about trying to cure, they only see the profits available in keeping us alive long enough to earn that income.
Many will never understand having been there when an amazing gorgeous friend questions “do I choose a surgery that may kill me, or possibly give me another 5-10 years life, or do I keep doing the rehab I know will keep me alive for another 3-6 years.”
Neither will many people look at a friend suffering from depression so intensely that they understand why they killed themselves days, months or years later.
And this is why I am trying to write these posts, for you see, not only am I suffering from a disability that is slowly killing me, but I am also currently surviving a depression that should of killed me years ago.
Thank you for reading, you don’t have to respond, just read and try to understand.
A long time ago I met a young man, he was nothing outstanding the day I met him, but I was to learn otherwise.
Many days and I should say months later this man introduced me to a world I had yet to learn existed, he showed me the true nature of console gaming, the understanding of what J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings was really about and Dungeons and Dragons tabletop gaming.
We became fast friends and destructive partners in all things creative and depressive, JJ showed me how to best play Mario Party, full of life and mostly drunk, he taught me how to paint miniatures with colour and life I had never imagined, he showed me a world of imagination through Dungeons and Dragons I never thought could exist, and he reminded me of my own hidden bisexual life that I kept to myself and my partners.
But most of all James Jafa Jowers showed me how to live, with excitement and love, with colour and humour, with the ability to forgive and forget the ugly past of our dark pasts, and most of all how to let others into my life again after I had lost so much before.
I will always love that strange little english man, the one who made me wake up from the darkness, the one who showed everyone around him that he was awesomesauce, and that he cared and loved you for who you were.
Thank you James Robert Jowers,
May I see you next time.
Today was just another day, similar in many ways to any other day I go through, my Arthritis was not to bad, same as my Ankylosing Spondylitis, but my Bipolar was having its way with me, much like a glass of water wishes it could.
By the end of the day, and by day, I mean my maximum amount of life out doors including working for a short amount of time I can cope with, I discovered I was cold, the abnormal cold I reach when my Arthritis and Ankylosing Spondylitis have teamed up on me and are working in complete syncosity with each other to make me feel like a mushroom.
You know, something kept in the dark and only fed bullshit.
So off I wandered to the local bottleshop for some oh so relaxing scotch, and as I walked in the door the young and amazing girl behind the counter asked “How is your bad back today?”
I stopped in my tracks, and at that moment, I…….. I nearly cried………
Why you may ask, well It is as simple as this, at that moment I could see in her eyes and the way she held herself as a human being, she wanted to actually know the answer to her question, her question about me!!!
Jolted achingly awake moments away from a perfect night, the sudden realisation that you’re experiencing an elongated night of sudden awakening, with restless periods of time punctuated by constant drumming pain through part of your body, again, sigh. Time again its one of those days, nights, weeks of your continuing struggle to participate in the common existence know as life, though the pain is all too familiar the only real annoyance is the sudden helpful tidbits casually thrown about by concerned passerbyes.
People whom you only wish a gentle hug from, a shoulder to cry upon still feel they have to give some little insight into how they perceive one should deal with a pain of a life. The looking forward to the quiet of the night, the silence that goes on forever, as you lay there experiencing life, a painful long never ending passage of constant discomfort, know to you only as my life.
So this is like almost…….
I might be one of the most deplorable unimportant people of the last century……….
But I did discover that us, yes us the human beings on this rock in space, are awesome.