Missing something always

It has been awhile since I have posted here, some of which is due to my health, and some because of moving home for the first time in 14 years.

I have more and more begun to remember and realise the alone and loneliness lifestyle by which I have lived this many years, some because of my disabilities and some due to others not willing to put in the effort to understand who I really am.

Mara Jade by Ardella - 3

I now live with an intelligent but not understanding of disabilities house mate, and this has in its self caused me to be depressed and happy, as well at times I have been in immense amounts of pain from moving home and trying to organise the new place in a way we both like.

Every now and then I really do want to find that one person I can be myself about and they never judge me, especially when I am not well and things come out of my mouth in ways most people can not understand and often mock and belittle as stupidity.

I have lost count of the times my mind wants to express something, but my health slows down my ability to express of remember the way to word that thing, so others around me talk over my stumbling or try to correct my speech before they even know what it is I am trying to convey.


Often these days I walk off and find a corner or place of comfort to relax and ignore what is going on around me, not from shame, but frustration over the fact I have not one person in my life willing to give me that extra 30 or 50 seconds to re-word or explain what it is I am trying to convey to the room or world about me.

Other awesomesauce, my new home is a mansion compared to the little flats I have lived in for affordability over the last twenty years, I enjoy the sunsets from our back veranda, which I put my reclining two seater lounge on for my own comfort, and I also love how massive the rooms are thus allowing myself and my flatmate to express who we are in our own areas.

I just think every now and then, like tonight after a long day with people I know, while I sit here in massive pain from over doing it, that it would be nice to share with someone my slow thoughts of the days events, not because I myself am slow, but because the pain I currently am in, is so massive most people would of killed them self by now from it.

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