More Machine than Man

Frustrated and feeling less alive then ever before, my body has reached a point in it’s progression with Ankylosing Spondylitis, that I can barely walk some days due to severe hip pain and immobility.

I spoke with my surgeon today about my need for this hip to be replaced, and because my joints are so displaced in shape, I will need a full 3D scan of my bone structure so they can construct me a new hip joint.


If waiting for months to firstly find out can I have a new hip was tedious enough, I now find out while waiting for said hip replacement, the wait is long due to the fact I have no money and have to rely on the Australian Government’s Medicare to pay for it, and they let us wait for months, that this 3D scan will delay the surgery more so.

I’m not remotely happy with my current health, not being able to go out to conventions, concerts or just walk through the shops and browse, I have turned even more towards adding features and videos on while I wait with very little patience.

The Xray above is not of me, but from left to right it shows the sort of wear and displacement my hip has been doing over the years.


Driving my Life while Depressed and Happy

Sometimes when a person wakes up they are already depressed, and other people are super happy, not everyone notices or understands these moments, it takes a special person to see and understand them.

Recently I started going to a group for people who need help, because I needed help for many reasons, and not the help I get from my psychologist and psychiatrist, but help you get from finding out you’re not the only one struggling with your health problem.

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And now I feel alone, more lonely then I have since my friend died seven years ago, so I am putting lots of effort into my website for fellow Australians interested in fantasy, horror and sci-fi stuff to keep me busy.

Maybe it will help me not feel alone, in this world of over 7 billion people, whom some get along and some understand each other.

Missing something always

It has been awhile since I have posted here, some of which is due to my health, and some because of moving home for the first time in 14 years.

I have more and more begun to remember and realise the alone and loneliness lifestyle by which I have lived this many years, some because of my disabilities and some due to others not willing to put in the effort to understand who I really am.

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I now live with an intelligent but not understanding of disabilities house mate, and this has in its self caused me to be depressed and happy, as well at times I have been in immense amounts of pain from moving home and trying to organise the new place in a way we both like.

Every now and then I really do want to find that one person I can be myself about and they never judge me, especially when I am not well and things come out of my mouth in ways most people can not understand and often mock and belittle as stupidity.

I have lost count of the times my mind wants to express something, but my health slows down my ability to express of remember the way to word that thing, so others around me talk over my stumbling or try to correct my speech before they even know what it is I am trying to convey.


Often these days I walk off and find a corner or place of comfort to relax and ignore what is going on around me, not from shame, but frustration over the fact I have not one person in my life willing to give me that extra 30 or 50 seconds to re-word or explain what it is I am trying to convey to the room or world about me.

Other awesomesauce, my new home is a mansion compared to the little flats I have lived in for affordability over the last twenty years, I enjoy the sunsets from our back veranda, which I put my reclining two seater lounge on for my own comfort, and I also love how massive the rooms are thus allowing myself and my flatmate to express who we are in our own areas.

I just think every now and then, like tonight after a long day with people I know, while I sit here in massive pain from over doing it, that it would be nice to share with someone my slow thoughts of the days events, not because I myself am slow, but because the pain I currently am in, is so massive most people would of killed them self by now from it.

Falling into the Darkness that is the end of the Road

I have been on a slow and long decent, one that has been a struggle and slippery slope towards the darkness.

As I have fought against this thing, the dark passenger grabbing and holding onto my life, the black dog snatching at my leg and holding me down,  I have become progressively tired of this fight.
But once again like always, when this bought on movement towards the my ending, I look out towards those who know me and worry how they would cope if I was gone from this mortal realm, and then I choose to stay for another day or two.

Mental Health at an all Time Low

I have not been the most well person of late, and by this I do not mean my Ankylosing Spondylitis, by this I mean my mental health.


The medications have been keeping me talking with my mental health people, but I have also been very low, to the point of not wanting to continue this painful existence.


I feel these cartoons show a little of what I have been dealing with of recent.

Long road to the end……

Once again I sit here with only myself looking at the retarded world we live in and sigh………..
I have seen many things in my life, from the gorgeous view I witnessed at the top of tallest mountain in Tasmania, too the lowest emotions I suffered while saying goodbye to another friend when they passed on from this world.
Many people will look upon this and never understand, never see how hard it is to live knowing that a lot of your friends have died from disabilities that our current pharmaceutical companies still don’t care about trying to cure, they only see the profits available in keeping us alive long enough to earn that income.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. You are free: to Share — to copy, distribute and transmit the work to Remix — to adapt the work But Under the following conditions: Attribution — You must attribute the work in the manner specified by the author or licensor (but not in any way that suggests that they endorse you or your use of the work). Noncommercial — You may not use this work for commercial purposes. Share Alike — If you alter, transform, or build upon this work, you may distribute the resulting work only under the same or similar license to this one.Many will never understand having been there when an amazing gorgeous friend questions “do I choose a surgery that may kill me, or possibly give me another 5-10 years life, or do I keep doing the rehab I know will keep me alive for another 3-6 years.”
Neither will many people look at a friend suffering from depression so intensely that they understand why they killed themselves days, months or years later.
And this is why I am trying to write these posts, for you see, not only am I suffering from a disability that is slowly killing me, but I am also currently surviving a depression that should of killed me years ago.
Thank you for reading, you don’t have to respond, just read and try to understand.